A Deep Dive on Self Sabotage & How to Stop It (Once & For All)

“It’s the 3rd day in a row I get out of bed super late. I feel exhausted. I get out of bed & run straight to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. I can’t start my mornings without it.

I drink many cups everyday; I lose count. I was supposed to hit the gym. But now I’m sitting on my balcony taking a sip from my hot cup of coffee & smoking a cigarette.

I smoke about a pack of those day.

I spent the past 2 days journaling on changes I wanted to make in my life. The goals I wanted to accomplish this year.

But I always find myself back in the same spot. Repeating destructive patterns of behavior.

Something is wrong with me. I am aware. I spent years learning about self-development. I spent years working on myself.

Yet, I find myself succumbing to my mind. Unable to escape my dreadful version of reality. I feel stuck. Out of control.

Am I broken?

Why can’t I change?

My existence is a bunch of anxiety, dread, and avoidance cycles (will write a letter on this soon)”

Hi,

It’s Omar from a very near future. And I’m gonna tell you what’s going on.

I need you to know that you’re not broken. Nothing is wrong with you. You’re not stuck. Even though it feels like it.

Your self awareness is NOT a curse (I’ll write another letter about this as well - stay tuned).

And there is a way out.

But you must understand:

• The underlying mechanisms of how your unconscious works.

• WHY you keep repeating the same version of reality again & again

• And how to tap into a new version of reality

Let’s get into it.

The Underlying Mechanisms of Your Unconscious: Optimizing for Safety

Your conscious mind has all sorts of desires. All sorts of goals & aspirations. Yet the primary driver of behaviour is rarely your conscious mind.

Because the PRIMARY driver is not concerned with progress. It’s concerned with survival.

That is priority number one. And everything comes AFTER it.

The way your unconscious optimizes for survival is by pulling up information/learned mechanisms from the past stored in your emotional memory…

…and applying it to the present and the future.

This all happens without your awareness. Operating in the background.

Goal: Keep You Safe.

Problem: These learned mechanisms were picked up early on in life when you were irrational. With very little coping/survival skills.

And they’re so deeply conditioned that they are never questioned.

In fact, you (unconsciously) do your best to reinforce them.

These are called Safety Mechanisms.

And when your Safety Mechanisms are outdated & learnt from not the healthiest upbringing (which for 99% of the people is the case) - a clash happens.

You consciously want something, but unconsciously…you just want to feel safe.

And the unconscious wins.

I must reiterate. Consciously, now, you may look at your Safety Mechanisms and find them irrational.

“These are not keeping me safe. They’re not helping me. They’re hurting me.”

But you must remember that you picked them up when YOU were pre-rational. Of course they’re not meant to make you expand. They were picked up to keep you safe in the moment.

And programmed ever since.

Examples:

• Suppressing Your Emotions as a child because they weren’t accepted/embraced. Now you feel exhausted & incapable of expressing yourself & your boundaries.

  • As a child, this may have kept you safe. But today it drains you & hurts your relationships.

• Perfectionism, procrastination, and avoiding mistakes (Being Afraid of Failing).

  • You might’ve been scolded as a child if you made mistake. Or High Expectations were placed on you. To stay safe, you tried to be perfect & consider everything. Now you procrastinate & try to be perfect. You’re also anxious & yearn for approval.

These are just simple example. But it can be a lot more complex/different than this.

Notice how these Safety Mechanisms directly contradict & sabotage your ability to make progress in a way that you want.

Do Not Shame The Child for Trying to Be Safe:

You repeat the same patterns of reality because instead of helping yourself unlearn your definitions of safety & create new ones from the adult perspective…

…you perpetuate this cycle. Fueling it with shame. (Not because you’re bad, but because you just don’t know) - and that’s fine.

Don’t shame your current self for doing that either. You’re doing what you think is best.

You must understand that these Mechanisms are operating within parts of yourself that are still younger. Perceiving the world from a completely different place. Only trying to keep you safe.

They don’t mean any harm. They don’t want to sabotage you. They don’t wanna hurt you.

In fact, they may be disconnected from your main consciousness. Alone and afraid.

Shaming those parts of you for not living up to your standards is NOT going to help you.

It will only help reinforce beliefs of:

• Being not good enough

• Being broken

• Being cursed with self-awareness that leads nowhere

• Being a Victim.

The Way Out:

Changing things is going to be simple, not easy. But when you do, you will experience harmony within your internal community that you may have never experienced before.

Your unconscious & conscious will be on the same page.

Imagine this.

1. You take the time to become compassionate & curious towards yourself.

2. You start gently & with love learning about yourself. Your safety mechanisms. Exploring your parts with unconditional love. Observing. Curiously. Giving them the attention they never got.

3. You build trust with your parts & they start revealing to you how they picked up those definitions of safety.

4. You help them gently unlearn those mechanisms. Showing them that YOU will keep them safe. That you’re there.

5. Your parts unlearn their outdated versions of reality.

6. You allow new definitions to take their place.

7. Your parts reintegrate with your main consciousness and no longer feel disconnected.

8. Your behaviour organically starts changing without any conscious effort.

Because you’ve now aligned your unconscious need for safety with your conscious desire for progress.

Listen to This Episode of My Podcast where I go deep into the first few steps of the process.

You can begin moving forward with a sense of ease & flow.

Take a second and feel into how life would look like for you if that was the case.

Breath.

Everything is going to be okay. Life goes on. But it also waits for you.

Its hand is open & extended. Ready for you at any moment.

You get to choose how the next phase of your life looks like.

And I’ll be here to support you through the process.

I hope you have a great rest of your day.

– Omar.